Ten Ways To Coach Through Barriers To Change – Part Two – Inner Barriers To Lifestyle Improvement – II by Dr. Michael Arloski.

"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." Sir Edmund Hillary (Photo by M. Arloski - all rights reserved)

6. Practice Extreme Self-Care

Many times coaches and clients co-create a wonderful set of self-care action steps that the client knows will help them to be healthier and well. Then, on the next coaching appointment, the client confesses that they held back from doing almost all of the actions agreed upon. The coaching conversation then reveals that the client would not give themselves permission to engage in such self-oriented behaviors. Another belief system item that wellness coaches, especially, deal with all the time is a lack of self-permission and way too much self-denial. Stemming back to a lifetime of learning such beliefs create guilt and the misperception that taking time and doing anything good for oneself is “selfish” and wrong. Even though your client may say and believe (intellectually) that taking time to exercise, get more sleep, and eat well are critically important, they may find themselves reluctant to actually follow through and do these behaviors because they just don’t feel right at a deeper level. Many terrific wellness plans fail right here.

We can help our clients to increase self-permission by helping them examine these beliefs and how they adopted them. We can help them look at how realistic they really are, especially in light of the client’s whole life. Are they valuing self-denial to the point where it is harming their health? It may feel “extreme” for them to begin to do even the smallest things for themselves, but we can support and acknowledge their efforts at even small steps for self-care.

Recovery and self-care can take many forms.

7. Regenerate Through Recovery

A number one challenge wellness coaching clients continually face is having enough time for wellness. Often their attempts at “time management” go nowhere. Perhaps it’s time to think in terms of “energy management”. In books like The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working and The Power of Full Engagement (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-schwartz/the-way-were-working-isnt_b_574039.html) we find a reaffirmation that pushing people to work too long with not enough sleep and with insufficient resources is not sustainable or even profitable. Once again, we recognize the need for balance, for what these authors call “sufficient volume and intensity of recovery” from the stress we are under. Hopefully such books will encourage work environments to wake up and restore some sense of balance to the workplace but until then it begins within the individual. Often out of fear, our clients push continually in totally unsustainable fashion and end up being less productive, and less well. Another internal barrier here can be irrational beliefs that they are only worthwhile and Okay as a human being when they are being productive.

Working with self-permission, helping our clients to break through their fears and realize that the person who has more recovery time is, in fact, more productive, efficient and creative, we can help them create sustainable ways to attain work/life balance.

8. Progress With A Plan

When wellness coaching proceeds without a co-created wellness plan the tendency is to throw together a cluster of goals and attempt to follow through on them. The danger is that a lack of structure can lead to confusion, inconsistency, wandering off on tangents, and a loss of momentum and motivation. Internal barriers to the whole coaching process can arise out of a sense of confusion, uncertainty, lack of clarity about direction, progress and roles. Lasting lifestyle change is not just a bunch of goal setting and pumping up will-power. Proceed with a plan.

9. Acknowledge And Affirm

Client motivation often suffers from a perceived lack of progress, yet clients often do not give themselves adequate credit for what they have actually achieved. Recognize and acknowledge progress of any kind and any size. You are not so much praising your client as you are encouraging them to praise themselves and acknowledge their progress. Acknowledge the actions and the aspects of their character that “showed up” to bring that action forward. They may even benefit from an exercise of writing down three self-acknowledgments a day. Don’t downplay the level of challenge a client may be facing. Affirm their reality and their experience. Yet keep the responsibility for change on the client. When they speak of barriers (either internal or external) that came up, ask them “How did you allow that to hold you back?”

10. Make It Mindfull

Many internal barriers come from a state of internal anxiety, stress, fear, and confusion. Whatever calms the body/mind/spirit is going to help us lower those barriers. Encouraging our clients to include practices that help them become more centered, more calm, and more focused will help lead them to greater peace within. Most decisions are made on an emotional rather than strictly logical basis (some say 60%). If we are anxious, stressed, worried, and even physically tight, we can misinterpret what our body is telling us and decide not to be active, eat well or connect with others when it is exactly what we need the most. Honoring the values and culture of our clients we can help them explore ways of relaxing and centering that are congruent for them.

A 30 min. recording of a free monthly webinar on this topic can be found at http://realbalance.com/

Please share your comments, ideas, and questions. Help us explore the very best ways to coach people to be well.

Ten Ways To Coach Through Barriers To Change – Part Two – Inner Barriers To Lifestyle Improvement – I by Dr. Michael Arloski.

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains And we never even know we have the key. (The Eagles - "Already Gone")

Your client has their motivation to be healthy and well energized, they’ve checked out their readiness for improving their lifestyle and, perhaps, with your help, they’ve even gotten a real wellness plan lined out. So, what is getting in their way of taking action and living that healthy lifestyle? Chances are they will encounter some external barriers like schedule changes, lack of support from folks they counted on at home or at work, increased workload, etc. While we can work with them to strategize ways over, under, around and through those, the more insidious barriers can be internal in nature.

What holds us back from succeeding at lasting lifestyle change is often as much an internal challenge as it can be external factors. (See our previous post- https://realbalancewellness.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/ten-ways-to-coach-through-barriers-to-change-–-part-one-–-outer-barriers-to-lifestyle-improvement-by-dr-michael-arloski/) Our own beliefs about ourselves, and the world around us, as well as issues of self-esteem, self-doubt, and self-efficacy, may determine our progress and success. We can all be our own worst enemy without even knowing it.

There are libraries full of evidence that our lifestyle choices do indeed affect our health both in terms of prevention and in terms of the course of an illness. (e.g. http://www.acpm.org) Yet, as we know belief is not a simple matter of logic and facts.

1. Address Belief Systems.

Coaching is not consulting so we aren’t just telling our clients they “need” to change their belief systems. Our clients come to coaching with their own values, priorities, and ways of thinking about the way the world works. Coaches honor that. It doesn’t mean, however, we can’t challenge ways of thinking that are self-defeating. Instead of labeling certain thoughts and the resultant behaviors as “SDB’s” (self-defeating behaviors), we need to help our clients examine them. This might best start with a request for clarification “Tell me more about that.” Then the classic “How’s that working for your?” question hopefully jogs our clients into some insight about how self-defeating such thinking really is.

Another barrier to growth and change is when our clients are less than clear about what they truly value, or are living out of accordance with their values. Helping our clients to clarify their values is a huge service that the coaching process provides. Belief systems have deep familial, cultural and experiential roots that aren’t easily ripped from the ground, and shouldn’t be. Our job as coach is to continually facilitate a process of self-examination in our clients and honor their own pace and choices about change. This process continues with all of the remaining ways through inner-barriers we will look at here.

2. Defy Self-Deception

When we don’t understand the motivation of ourselves, or others, we often fill in the blanks with assumptions. When those assumptions are based on fears we are especially vulnerable to deceiving ourselves. If a co-worker interacts with me curtly I might assume that they don’t want to be around me, that they think less of me, or perhaps believe that my job performance is sub-par and they want to only be minimally associated with me. I might then start avoiding interactions with them. This is what the authors at The Arbinger Institute call “self-betrayal”. In their marvelous book Leadership and Self-Deception (http://www.arbinger.com/en/home.html), they take on the very challenging task of helping us see what is invisible to us; the ways that our thinking betrays us leading to false conclusions about ourselves, and those around us. Self-betrayal leads to self-deception. Helping our clients to catch themselves when they are basing their perceptions of the world (and themselves) on judgments, prejudices, assumptions, projections and inadequate information can help them shift to not only greater compassion towards self and others, but to more accuracy as well.

3. Build Self- Esteem & Self-Efficacy

When it comes to being successful at losing weight, managing our stress, quitting smoking, etc., your client can start with two questions for themselves: Can I really affect my own health and am I worth it? Psychologist Wayne Dyer is fond of saying “You’ll see it when you believe it.” This is indeed a matter of belief. Do you believe that all of these efforts to improve your lifestyle are going to make any difference in your health (self-efficacy)? Is the effort worth it, and am I worth the effort? The two questions go hand in hand. People who are successful at lifestyle improvement are able to answer “Yes!” to these questions. A “No.” or even a “Maybe.” says that your work needs to start right here.

How “Okay” I feel about myself may have some very deep roots but unearthing them may not be as necessary as you might think. Helping your client to build confidence in themselves and their wellness efforts starts with selecting goals that are the easiest to attain and letting success build on success. Support them as they experiment to attain more mastery in their world. They can increase their probability of success by working with an ally (like you) instead of, once again, attempting it by oneself. They will also, of course, be more successful with an actual plan instead of just launching a single action step effort. Encourage them to seek out experiences that allow you to engage in creative self-expression, another know booster of self-esteem. Build it in to their wellness plan.

4. Gag The Gremlin

Tied into progress at building self-esteem and self-efficacy is being vigilant about keeping our self-doubt and excessive self-criticism at bay. It seems that the little negative voice that whispers inside your ear gets activated whenever you attempt a change. In chapter eight of my book Wellness Coaching For Lasting Lifestyle Change (http://www.wholeperson.com/x-trainer/coach.html) I take the reader through the process of learning about their own way of being self-critical and how to combat it. The Inner Critic or “Gremlin” is really that part of us that has internalized falsehoods about us and these thought patterns bring forth our self-doubt and hold us back from action and success. Psychologist Rick Carson’s little book Taming Your Gremlin (http://tamingyourgremlin.com/) is found to be so valuable by many coaches that they often include a copy in their client Welcome Packets.

5. Fly With The Eagles (So The Turkeys Won’t Get You Down)

There is no doubt that Peer Health Norms are a huge factor in our lifestyle choices. It is hard to go against the grain all the time and be the only one in our family, group of friends, or workplace who is consciously attempting to live a healthy wellness lifestyle. Albert Bandura talks about “vicarious experiences provided by social models” as an effective way that we can develop self-efficacy. Certainly being around others who are more physically active, eat well, share feelings more easily and value connectedness and seeing their success, will make it easier for us to engage in such similar behaviors.

Our coaching challenge arises when our client is faced with the incongruity of a personal desire to change and an environment that discourages it. We can help our clients by A) encouraging them to ask for the help they need. Support them in having honest conversations with their peers about their intentions to change and their desired goals. Help them enlist support. We can also B) help them build a support network of people who are living more wellness-oriented lives. This may need to be a conscious part of their wellness plan. When our clients face either a lack of support or even push-back from their peers we can help them C) process their feelings about this and develop strategies for dealing with it.

Dr. Arloski will be presenting a Free Webinar on this topic, Feb. 23, 2011.  The recording will be archived Feb. 25th and be available at http://www.realbalance.com.

Part Two (#6-10) of this piece will be posted in a few days. We invite your comments!

Really Full Engagement in Life, Work, and Coaching

Quietness, stillness, is in the present moment.

In 1971 Ram Dass (psychiatrist turned meditation teacher/guru) admonished us all to BE HERE NOW! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Be_Here_Now_(book), and the battle with the distraction capacity of our big brains has never let up. How many wonderful books, mindfulness practices, institutes, and even religions have arisen in our quest to focus on this very moment in front of us. Today a new and wonderful effort is underway with such great books as The Power of Full Engagement by Tony Schwartz (http://www.theenergyproject.com/blog/author/tony-schwartz) and Jim Loehr.

In this short video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybfPNevrF00). Loehr nails “the real culprit”, not stress, but “insufficient volume of recovery”. He argues that we need to give people more permission to increase the frequency and intensity of their time spent in what he’s referring to as “recovery”. Balance. Yes, and if I may, “real balance”.

Think about it. When are you most vulnerable to distraction? When are you anxious, worried, impatient, and/or fearful and you are hurrying, making errors and omissions, “forgetting” things like deadlines and critical appointments? When are you checking e-mail 30 times a day, rushing here and there, texting while driving, missing what a client, an employee, a loved one, or even a train whistle is saying to you? No doubt it is when you are indeed out of balance. You’re not only experiencing stress (as usual) you are magnifying it’s effect on you mentally and therefore psycho-physiologically. Your stress hormones are running the show and you are pumping stomach acid, jamming up your muscle tension, blood pressure, heart rate and more.

Schwartz loves to talk about how we need to manage our energy, not time. Yet, like he and Loehr tell us, we’ve been denied the permission to truly do this. With Henry Ford assembly line mentality employers remain paranoid that the employee who is doing anything but nose-to-the-grindstone work is slacking off and cheating their boss. Culturally we’ve been admonished for centuries that “idle hands are evil hands”. Then along comes the efforts to bring balance into our lives through practices like meditation, Yoga, Tai Chi, biofeedback, etc., and such evidence-based practices are ridiculed as “touchy-feely” or “hippie-like”. With books like The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working (http://www.amazon.com/Way-Were-Working-Isnt-Performance/dp/1439127662) Schwartz is telling us to listen up, pay attention to the research and realize that burnout is a reality and working ungodly hours with no respite is the royal road to getting there, adding that to be truly competitive we have to be at our best and balance is the real key to that.

Being present is about leaving distraction behind.

Being in the present moment is indeed all about mindfulness. Today many are using the term mindfulness synonymously with meditation. Sorry, it’s not really the same thing. Meditation is a practice to increase mindfulness. Mindfulness, to me personally, and drawing upon my many years as a Gestalt therapist, is about Awareness. It is being fully engaged in the experience of the present moment. It is about noticing. It is about maintaining focus while not missing what is going on in the periphery. It is not about multitasking, it is about staying centered. It is continuing to compose on the computer while hearing the sounds of the van unloading outside my hotel window. It is really listening to a coaching client, not thinking ahead about what I am going to say to steer the conversation.

Full engagement also refers to a term that the humanistic psychologists of the personal growth Zeitgeist of the late 1960’s and into the 1970’s would use: full feeling reactivity. Being fully engaged means we are not numbing out our feelings either consciously (suppression) or subconsciously (repression). We are connected with our feelings and allowing ourselves to experience them more fully. We can still choose how we will respond to those feelings and how we will express ourselves about them (one aspect of real freedom). When we attempt to anesthetize ourselves to our feelings (to avoid feeling pain, for example) the problem is that there is no “local” anesthetic, only “general”. We find that while we might succeed in feeling less pain, we also pay the price of feeling less joy as well.

High Tech Blinders

Right now I’m in New Orleans preparing to present at a conference here. In The French Quarter it is common to see mules pulling buggies around the narrow streets earning their keep hauling tourists around town. The mules are admirable beasts, but part of their harness equipment includes blinders for their eyes to keep them facing forward and reducing their peripheral vision. I found myself noticing that many of the tourists were at times doing a type of “blinder” experience to themselves with their smartphones, cameras, etc. Instead of being fully engaged with the unique experience of this one-of-a-kind city, they at times were narrowing their own field of vision to a tiny screen or viewfinder. In the Jan./Feb. issue of National Geographic Traveler Magazine, Christopher Elliot shares a great little piece entitled “Savor the Trip, Don’t Tweet It!” (http://travel.nationalgeographic.com/travel/traveler-magazine/the-insider/tech-overload/). Our challenge is not having these high tech tools and toys around. They can have tremendous value. Our challenge, rather, is to not let them filter our experience and indeed cut us off from our experience.

Really being fully engaged is about embracing our experience, no matter what it is. It is about being up in our heads, down in our guts, and feeling through all our senses. We can increase our level of engagement by not fearing it, by practicing body awareness, sensory awareness and mindfulness methods. The benefits are there for our careers, our relationships, and simply, and perhaps most beautifully, for our very own joi de’ vivre.

Please add your thoughts through leaving a comment.